Tag Archive | forgiveness

“Father Forgive Them”

Jan25

Today’s blog revisits the topic of forgiveness and offers tools when even the desire to forgive feels outside of our grasp.

 

 

Revisiting Grief

This weekend, grief decided to make a reappearance.  The grief that paid me a visit is the grief of loss as is related to perceived betrayal.  On the highest and most profound level, I know that betrayal is not really possible.  Another person does not have the power to betray me, hurt me or deprive me of love.  But, since I have not yet achieved the fullness of enlightenment, Buddhahood, or Christhood, it often feels as if they do.  So when I was reminded of what I might perceive as betrayal or harm to me at the hands of another, I found myself wrapped in the cloak of my inner victim, seething with hurt, rage, even hatred.  I wanted to lash out in revenge.  Scream my rage.  “Make them pay.”  Fortunately I think I know better…..maybe.

Setting Aside Old Behaviors

In the past, if I felt hurt or betrayed by another, I simply wrapped a cloak of resentment and hatred around me so that I would not have to feel the pain of loss.  My first inclination when grief decided to pay me a visit this weekend was to indulge this impulse.  But now after 20+ years of inner work, I have come to understand how unproductive and potentially hurtful these defense mechanisms of hatred and resentment have been to me and to my ability to be open to healthy intimate relationships.  I knew I needed to set aside my defense mechanisms of hatred and resentment, be present to the pain, grieve the loss and be open to another layer of forgiveness.  Ha….my defense mechanisms had other plans it seems.

Calling in Reinforcements

I tried, I really did.  I tried to be understanding.  I tried to be hospitable.  I tried to stand in compassion.  I tried to allow myself to grieve.  I tried to be forgiving and let go.  But when Tuesday came around and I was still being chased by my demons of resentment and hatred I knew I needed to call in some reinforcements.  So while being attentive to my yoga practice Tuesday night, seething in anger, I prayed.  First I tried a mantra.  Then I tried to engage the practice of Tonglen.  Then I tried breathing.  Then I tried visualization.  I tried everything in my arsenal of spiritual practices, but instead of relief, all I felt was more rage.  Then somewhere between the in and out breath, in the middle of Sun Salutation A, I heard a tiny voice in my head that said, “Father forgive them, they know not what they are doing.”  I immediately recognized this as Jesus’ words on the cross.  While Jesus was hanging on the cross, being spit at, harassed, tortured, these were his words for his tormentors.  Did Jesus feel betrayed, angry, hurt, disappointed, despairing….YOU BET…..and in the face of this, when he was perhaps incapable of offering forgiveness himself, he asked it of God.  I heard these words and realized the powerful healing balm inherent in these words.  I immediately embraced these words as my mantra and in doing so, I felt an enormous amount of relief.  My hatred and anger subsided and I began to find peace.

Outside our Reach

What I realized is that sometimes (ok, maybe often), forgiveness is totally out of our reach.  I wanted to be compassionate, loving, forgiving….but found I could not.  I guess I’m still human.  And, when forgiveness is outside of my reach, there is a source that I can turn to that can accomplish the forgiveness for me.  And, in turning that which needs forgiveness over to this loving Source that I call “God” and Jesus called “Abwoon”, there is relief.  So today, I continue to offer these words in regards to the perceived betrayal,  “Father forgive them, they know not what they are doing,” and enjoy the relief of knowing that God is taking care of it.

What hurts, losses, betrayals are you still grieving?

Where are you struggling to forgive these losses?

How might Jesus’ words help you to surrender this forgiveness to God, inviting God to help you through that pain?

Lauri Lumby

Authentic Freedom Ministries

http://yourspiritualtruth.com

Forgiveness Part Seventy Times Seven

Jan3

Today’s blog continues the discussion on the spiritual practice of Forgiveness.  Specifically, in order to experience the grace of forgiveness, we have to be willing to go into the pain.  No wonder Forgiveness is so dang hard!

The Road to Forgiveness

Roughly 6 weeks ago, thanks to the urging of several spiritual teachers, I embarked upon a journey with Forgiveness as its intention.  It started with one individual, then unfolded to include others who I had perceived to have hurt me in some way.  Interestingly, I have learned many unexpected lessons along the way.  I have been reminded that forgiveness is a process and that the actual moment of release is a moment of grace and comes unbidden and is given without regard to merit (in other words, it doesn’t come because I finally said enough “Hail Mary’s or proclaimed enough Mea Culpas).  I learned (actually, remembered) specific spiritual practices that I have found to be helpful along the way.  And I discovered the miracles that begin to unfold when we give our intention and attention to the process of forgiveness.  I also discovered that what is said of physical fitness seems also to be true in forgiveness:  No Pain, No Gain.

NO PAIN NO GAIN

Instictually, we are avoiders of pain.  If something hurts, we don’t do it again.  Avoidance of pain is an important attitude if we are to survive as a species.  Avoidance of pain, however, is not helpful if we are going to experience the depths of forgiveness.  If we really want to forgive others and ourselves and if we want to be open to forgiveness by others, we have to be willing to go into our pain.  This does not mean that we intentionally subject ourselves to someone else’s abuse, deceit or neglect, but it does mean that we have to be willing to recall those past moments of hurt, betrayal and loss and to actually go into those perceived negative feelings so that they can be transformed and released and so those constricted areas within our emotional bodies can be open to receiving love where the negative feelings used to be.  It goes something like this:

  • We hold an intention in our mind to forgive X person for some perceived hurt.
  • We allow ourselves to be open to remembering that hurt.
  • We allow ourselves to feel the emotions related to that hurt (anger, betrayal, hatred, thoughts of revenge)
  • Then we allow ourselves to feel SADNESS that is lying underneath these other emotions.
  • Then we grieve…..cry, moan, wail, feel the sadness.
  • Then, let it go.

As we allow ourselves to be present to the pain of the loss….the sadness of the hurt, and when we grieve this sadness, we are freed.  The part of the hurt that caused us sadness is released, and forgiveness and love can enter in to that space vacated by the loss.

Afraid of the Pain

It is ultimately the fear of these raw emotions….sadness, anger, depression, that stops our forgiveness process.  We push them aside, ignoring them, resisting them and in doing so, forgiveness is stalled and love is thwarted.  So if we really want to achieve forgiveness in our lives and thereby open more fully to love, we have to be courageous enough to be present to the pain.  And when we do so, our journey toward forgiveness and the fulfillment of love is accelerated and the greatest miracles begin to happen.  And who knows, we might even discover that we can love not only our enemies, but that we can love ourselves as well.

Where do you want to invite forgiveness into your life?

How does the fear of pain thwart your ability to be open to forgiveness?

What are the pains that are currently calling you to be present to them?

Lauri Lumby

Authentic Freedom Ministries

http://yourspiritualtruth.com

Sexual Assault, Trauma Release and Forgiveness

Dec20

Today’s blog continues the discussion on the topic of forgiveness….specifically, all the places we are invited to be loving and forgiving of ourselves.

Words of Wisdom

As I pondered about what I might write in today’s blog, the following words came across my desk from the Enneagram Institute:  In this week before Christmas, reflect on Jesus’ teaching on forgiveness. As a One, make this Affirmation today: “I forgive myself for my mistakes. I see my mistakes as opportunities for learning discernment and patience.” (The Wisdom of the Enneagram, 362) After reading these words, I knew that I needed to write the blog on forgiveness that has literally haunted me and which showed up just yesterday through a terrifying nightmare.

Full Disclosure

In the fall of 1983 as a freshman at the University of Iowa, I was a victim of sexual assault.  I can’t tell you the details of the assault because I was either drugged or experiencing an alcohol-induced blackout.  For a long time, I denied that it even happen.  At the deepest part of my being, however, and supported by the glimpses of memory I did retain of that night I knew that I had been raped.  For years I either denied the experience or played it down as “no big deal,” primarily out of the profound shame I felt for “having put myself in that position in the first place.”  In other words, it was my fault.  ( for the record:  Sexual assault is NEVER the fault of the victim).  The nightmare I had on Sunday night woke me up to the guilt and the shame that I was still carrying from that assault, along with the trauma of the event that apparently still lived in my consciousness.  The appearance of this nightmare has given me an opportunity to take another look at forgiveness – specifically forgiveness of myself.

Nightmares

On Sunday night as I was sleeping, I found myself in the middle of a narrative dream.  The dream was harmless enough and seemed to be communicating something that was important for me to know.  And just as I was reaching to grasp the meaning of this “something important” I found myself wracked with physical as well as emotional terror.   I woke up screaming, “No” and like I was trying to defend myself against attack.  As I lay in bed trying to catch my breath and calm my pounding heart, I pondered the meaning of this dream.  Out of all the possible meanings, it was the sexual assault from college that kept rising to the surface.  I settled on that and asked myself, why is this showing up now and what am I supposed to do with it?   Then I remembered that I’ve been doing a lot of work around forgiveness and wondered if this was somehow connected.  DUH!

A Word About Trauma

I remember as a child being plagued by nightmares and being afraid to fall asleep because I didn’t want to have these scary and sometimes terrifying dreams.  I prayed and prayed and prayed for God to take away these nightmares.  And……God did.  Now, I’m not so sure that was a good thing.  One of the things I have learned about nightmares is that they are often our body’s way of releasing trauma.  When in the face of danger we choose freeze (as opposed to fight or flight) the adrenaline produced in the face of fear gets stuck in the body and until it is physically released, it stays there.  Trapped traumas cause physical, mental and emotional harm to us and can eventually become debilitating.  Nightmares are one way that the body gives release to the trapped adrenaline that might otherwise cause us harm.  So, nightmares aren’t necessarily a bad thing and in fact, can be a source of healing.  The nightmare of Sunday evening certainly served in that capacity….releasing another part of the trauma of sexual assault.

Forgiveness

So, I’m grateful for the release of that dream, but more importantly, I’m grateful for an opportunity to continue this practice of forgiveness that the universe has placed in my path.  I have long since forgiven my assailant, but apparently, I had not yet forgiven myself.  So…..this is the intention that I now carry thanks to that dream.  And the good news is that this is really all I need to do.  I hold myself in loving compassion and carry in my heart the Aramaic mantra of forgiveness knowing that it is God doing the actual work of forgiveness….I just need to be open to receiving it.  And in this particular situation, I am more than ready to receive.

Where are the places where you carry shame or regret for your own perceived “faults”?

How are you being invited to offer forgiveness to yourself?

What are the things of the past that you are being invited to let go of?

Lauri Lumby

Authentic Freedom Ministries

http://yourspiritualtruth.com

Questions About Forgiveness

Dec16

Today’s blog focuses on the question posed by a reader:  “I understand the concept of forgiveness but have a hard time practicing it.  Any suggestions?” 

Seven Times Seventy Times

Being a firmly entrenched and committed Irish grudge-holder, I certainly have no idea how to answer the question about the practice of forgiveness.  The good news is that my guru and teacher, Jesus of Nazareth, had something to say about it.  When asked how often we should forgive, Jesus replied, “Seven times Seventy times.”  I don’t believe that this was offered as a commandment but simply as an observation as to how difficult and challenging the whole journey to forgiveness really is for us pea-brained humans.  In my own journey, I have found this to be true.  The journey toward forgiveness is hard work, challenging, requires sincere intention and discipline.  If we really want to forgive and to be freed from the hurts we perceive ourselves to have received from another, we have to want it.  In my own practice (and that is exactly what it is….practice, practice, practice) with forgiveness, there are a few tools that I have found to be helpful:

1) Grieve the loss – Allow yourself to FEEL the pain of the loss, the hurt, the betrayal.  Be present to all the faces of grief that might show up – sadness, depression, anger, denial, bargaining.  Feel it and be present to it.  Give yourself permission to wallow in your victimhood…to be the martyr, to be the scorned lover or forgotten friend.  But….DON’T STAY THERE!

2) What unhealed fears of your own were triggered in the hurt?  Take time to identify the unhealed fears in yourself that were triggered in the loss, hurt or betrayal:  The fear that there is not enough, that you have nothing to contribute to the world, that you cannot be your most authentic self, that you are not loved, that you are not free to express your truth, that your needs will not be met, that you do not know your truth or your path, that you are alone.

3) Take time to be present to allowing the unhealed fears/wounds within yourself to be healed….. Seek support through a Spiritual Director, Counselor, bring these unhealed wounds into your meditation and prayer, ask for Divine assistance.

4) Place yourself in the shoes of “the other.”  This is the hard part:  explore what unhealed fears/wounds in “the other” might have caused them to act in a way that you perceived as being hurtful.  Once you think you have identified the unhealed wound or fear, pray for their healing, hold them in loving kindness, circle them with the idea of love.

5) NOW WAIT Another challenging stage…..because this is the stage that reminds us that we ARE NOT in control.  The moment in which true forgiveness takes place is God’s alone.  It is not something that we can make happen.  It is a moment of pure and unmerited GRACE.  This is the place where miracles happen, where we suddenly realize we are free of the burden of resentment, grudge-holding, hurt, etc.  It is in this place where we can move forward in our journey, freed of the past wounds that would otherwise hold us back or simply repeat the same patterns.

Two Supportive Spiritual Practices for Forgiveness

All that being said, there are two additional tools that I have found to be incredibly helpful in being open to and moving through the practice of forgiveness.  One from the Buddhist tradition and the other from the Aramaic Jesus.

1) Tonglen – is a spiritual practice that comes out of Tibetan Buddhism.  I have adapted this practice and applied it to the spiritual practice of forgiveness and experienced miraculous results.  (for more on this practice, see The Wheel of Initiation by Julie Tallard Johnson pgs 248-250)  In regards to forgiveness, we acknowledge the negative feeling we hold against “the other”‘ (anger, hurt, anxiety, resentment) and we breathe that feeling into our heart.  Then, we breathe out love toward the person we perceive to have caused us harm.  Breathe in pain, breathe out love.  It is as simple as that.

2) The Aramaic Lord’s Prayer  In the English translation of the Lord’s Prayer, we have a phrase about forgiveness, “Forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us.”  This incomplete translation implies our need for Divine forgiveness. In the Aramaic, the language that Jesus spoke, this phrase takes on whole new meaning.  It reminds us that the need to be freed of our trespasses is ours alone and that God can help us find that inner freedom.  From this perspective, it is no longer about sin and retribution, but about our human need for harmony within our intimate relationships and our inherent limitations to achieving this on our own.  The phrase in Aramaic is:

Washboqlan khaubayn(wakhtahayn) aykanna daph khnan shbwoqan l’khayyabayn

And can be understood to mean:

I invite the Divine to loose the cords of mistakes binding me, as I release the strands I hold of others’ guilt.

When I really get caught in the journey of forgiveness, I invoke the Aramaic words of this phrase as a mantra and let God do the rest.

One Final Thought:

And one final thought as it applies to forgiveness (my apologies because I cannot remember the source of this quote), a definition that I have found to be helpful:

Forgiveness is releasing our judgment of another’s actions. 

Humbling to be sure, as this whole process of forgiveness.  In the end, my advice to all of us…..just keep practicing!

Lauri Lumby

Authentic Freedom Ministries

http://yourspiritualtruth.com

Forgiveness in Divorce

Dec15

Today’s blog explores the miraculous grace of forgiveness.

Listen to Your Teachers

When during the course of ten days, four of your spiritual teachers offer the same directive, maybe you should listen.  The problem for me was that my inner-Irish wanted NOTHING to do with their unanimous advice.  Instead, she stomped her feet, crossed her arms and sat in the corner pouting as she clung tightly to the grudges she had been harboring  – the grudges which gave her the illusion of power and control, strength and courage, and most importantly….the belief that she was RIGHT and HE was wrong.  The “He” that we are referring to here is my ex-husband.  And the unanimous directive of my four spiritual teachers?  FORGIVENESS.  Can I hear a collective “ARGH!”?

The Invitation

The unanimous advice of these four spiritual teachers was this, “In order to move on with your life, in order to truly be open to love, you need to FORGIVE”  - specifically, my ex-husband for all the things I perceived that he did “wrong,” all the ways I think he “hurt” me, etc.  While I was enjoying all the perceived power in harboring resentment, etc. I knew that this advice was dead on correct and that in spite of all my protesting, I needed to give Forgiveness a chance.  And I’m here to tell you that after only two weeks of holding forgiveness in my field of intentions, the results have been nothing short of miraculous.

Being Open to Forgive

Of course it is not only in the past two weeks that I have been open to forgiveness in regards to this relationship.  But in the past two weeks, I have ramped up my efforts:

  • Bringing this intention to prayer.
  • Asking God for help.
  • Incorporating ritual and affirmations.
  • Praying mantras about forgiveness.
  • Anointing myself with sacred oils that are said to facilitate forgiveness.

I have done all these things hoping to release the pain, hurt, resentment, etc. so that I can not only be free of the past, but so that I can be open to the future.  I can’t receive healthy intimacy while dragging around the ball and chain of my past relationship.  So I have entered into this process and I feel I need to share with you that apparently the kitchen has to get dirtier before it can be clean (as my mother used to say).

An Onslaught of Demons

Apparently forgiveness is not for the weak of heart….because as soon as I accepted this invitation to enter into the process of forgiveness, the demon dogs from hell were released.  I soon found myself face to face with all the fears, pains, conflicts, projections, ego attachments, demons, etc. of that relationship.  First my ex was the target, then other people, then my ex again, then I had to face the cold hard truth…..my part in all of this.  ARGH!!!!!!!!!!    So, as I was working on forgiving HIM I found the most important person I had to forgive was MYSELF.  Who knew?  I say forgiveness in not for the faint of heart because I surely could have high-tailed it out of this process and returned to my corner of grudge.  Instead, I decided to JUST KEEP MOVING.  I allowed myself to be present to all the pain, all the loss, all the shattered dreams, all the perceived betrayals (on both of our parts), etc. etc. etc.   I felt a little like St. Margaret, trudging through the bowels of hell.  I allowed myself to rage, I cried bitter tears of loss and regret and I let go.  Then something amazing started to happen.

Wonder of Wonder, Miracle of Miracles

Here is where I was reminded to believe in miracles.  Of course my ex had no idea that I had accepted forgiveness as my personal intention.  And yet, somewhere in the midst of all of this, my ex and I started talking and in the talking, I found release from things of the past, I began to let go of pain and found consolation for the hurts and perceived betrayals, AND I think he experienced some of this as well (although he has always been better at forgiveness than I am…and probably was long past needing this exercise).  And…..I know that as I continue to hold this intention, that forgiveness will contine to be realized and I will be more free to receive healthy intimacy, unencumbered by the pain of the past.

The BIGGIE

But the miracles don’t stop there.  In the midst of struggling with forgiveness, I invoked my favorite mantra on forgiveness and in my meditation heard the following words, “Forgiveness is ultimately about releasing judgment.”  I felt as if the universe had just hit me across the head with a two by four.  Of course forgiveness is about releasing judgment….and who most needs to learn that lesson but ME……the judger of all judges.  I haven’t quite gotten my perfectionistic head around that idea yet, but I feel within it an opportunity, an invitation and a promise…and I know that if I can get my little pea brain around the idea of non-judgment that I will be open to knowing, being and sharing love in ways that I cannot yet even possibly imagine.  On that one, I will keep you posted.

What things of your past are in need of the grace of forgiveness?

How might you accept the invitation to allow forgiveness?

Where do you want to be more free to know and be love?

Lauri Lumby

Authentic Freedom Ministries

http://yourspiritualtruth.com

The Dreaded Life Review

Sep27

In yesterday’s blog, I wrote on the topic of forgiveness and the on-going, figure eight shaped process we are invited to undergo in that journey.  In today’s blog, I explore more deeply the stage of forgiveness that includes what I call, “The Dreaded Life Review,” the time when our “life sins” show up and ask for our compassion.

 

 

What Happens When We Hurt Somebody?

As human beings, we are programmed to seek out connection and to work toward cultivating healthy, intimate, cooperative and collaborative relationships with our fellow human beings.  The root cause and destination of this search is our very survival.  We cannot continue as a species without the kind of intimate connections that lead to procreation, neither can we survive (very well) on our own.  Like wolves, we are pack animals and thrive when existing within cooperative community.  As such, in most human beings (sociopaths being the exception) there are certain biophysical and chemical reactions within the body that work toward ensuring this kind of intimate, cooperative connection.  When we stray from the path of harmonious connectivity and do or say or act in such a way as to harm already existing connections or in ways that might prevent harmonious connections, there is a feeling that arises.  This feeling arises to alert us to the fact that either we have done something to harm these fragile connections or that someone has done something to us that threatens healthy connectivity.  I call this feeling SHAME.  In other words, when we hurt someone, we feel shame.  When someone does something to hurt us (especially as it pertains to our own healthy boundaries), we feel shame.  This feeling arises naturally as a way to alert us to the potential danger of disconnect and to invite us to work toward restoring a healthy and harmonious connection (or to recognize where healthy, intimate connectivity is not possible or where danger, in fact, might be present).  The problem with shame is that instead of simply observing it as a signal, we internalize it and turn it into the destructive emotion of guilt – judging and punishing ourselves and judging and punishing others.

 

The Dreaded Life Review

When we internalize this benevolent and helpful inner signal, and turn it against ourselves in the form of judgment and guilt, then we get what I call “the dreaded life review.”  In this life review, we get to see and observe and remember…sometimes in excruciating detail, all the “sins” of our lives….all the ways in which we have consciously or unconsciously hurt or injured a fellow human being.  If we are judgmental and critical of self or tend toward self-loathing, this dreaded life review can be an exercise in self-flagellation and self-punishment.  “Woe is me, I am a sinner.  Woe is me, I am undeserving of love, forgiveness.  Nobody likes me, everybody hates me, I’m gonna eat some worms……and I deserve it for how terrible I have been and continue to be.”  ARGH!!!!!  This little exercise in self-loathing is us pointing the finger of judgment and blame upon ourselves.  And if we are “God-fearing” people, we are sure to imagine that God is shaking HIS finger of blame at us and just waiting to hurl the fire and brimstone of eternal punishment our way.

 

God-fearing vs. God-loving

The good news is that the only one punishing us for our “sinful” behavior is ourselves.  We are the one pointing the finger of judgement and blame while God is simply there holding us and waiting for us to ask to be released from the judgment that we are so good at heaping upon ourselves.  Like the story Jesus told of the Prodigal Son, it was the son who judged himself for having chosen separation from his father.  The father, simply welcomed his son home with open arms and held a great celebration, never shaking the finger of judgment or blame.  If Jesus understood God to be like the father in the story, then isn’t this the God we too are invited to know?  I think so.

 

Healing the Life Review

So, when the dreaded life review rears its ugly head, and we are tempted to fall into the pit of self-loathing, there is one thing we must do…….FORGIVE ourselves.  We are invited to look at the places in our lives where we have injured the fragile, intimate human connections and offer them for release.  We are invited to examine the deeper fears and unhealed wounds that may have caused us to hurt another and lift that up for healing and release.  And we are invited to STOP judging, punishing and hurling fire and brimstone upon ourselves.  The good news is again, we are not alone in this as there is a benevolent, loving, compassionate Source that is just waiting for us to lift the guilt off ourselves and place it in God’s loving hands where it can be healed and released, freeing us to return to the healthy and life-giving process of forgiveness, absolution and reconciliation.

 

Where have you experienced the “dreaded life review?”

Where are you tempted to indulge in self-judgment, punishment and self-loathing?

Where are you being invited to give your self-judgment and guilt over for healing and release?

Lauri Lumby

Authentic Freedom Ministries

http://yourspiritualtruth.com

The Figure Eight of Forgiveness

Sep26

As we grow along the spiritual path, we realize how critical is the process of forgiveness to this journey.  Today’s blog explores the topic of forgiveness and how it looks a lot like a Figure 8 or an infinity symbol…depending on your perspective. 

Sometimes our Relationships Get Broken

I know I’m not telling you something you don’t already know.  Human relationships are challenging at best, and in our own state of brokenness and perceived separation, we often find our intimate and not-so-intimate relationships breaking down.  In these states of breaking down or breaking up of relationships, forgiveness shows up as the virtue that we are invited to embrace in the goal of bringing healing to these broken intimacies.  And, as you are well aware, the journey toward forgiveness can be long and arduous and mysterious at best.  Being the “Queen of Grudgeholding,” I certainly have no room to even begin to speak on this topic, but I will attempt to muddle through this in the hopes that I might actually learn something!

How Things Get Broken in the First Place

Well, this is a big duh!  How do our relationships get broken?  Because….someone got hurt.  Out of our own sense of separation and woundedness, we say and do things that hurt another person, and we act in ways that are non-loving, covetous, greedy, controlling, gluttonous, lazy and selfish.  We fail to listen to the people in our lives and to acknowledge their needs.  We fail to listen to ourselves, to our own needs and to ask for them to be met.  We lash out when we are afraid, anxious, scared.  We respond to others out of our own unhealed wounds and we project our past painful experiences onto others.  In a nutshell….WE ARE A MESS…..and we SUCK at being healthy, loving, intimate partners, collegues, friends and family members.  And….no matter how much inner work we have done or continue to do, it is our intimate human relationships that cause us the most trouble.  This is why FORGIVENESS is so important, critical and necessary.  Without forgiveness, I think we would just kill eachother off and be done with it (which I sometimes think we are doing as a species anyway).

The Signposts on the Forgiveness Path

Again, being the “Queen of Grudgeholding,” I’m not sure I really have anything to offer on this topic….but there are a few things I have seen that have helped me in the few and rare moments that I have tried to enter into the process of forgiveness.

1) When we perceive that someone has hurt us, or failed to honor one of our needs, we feel deeply hurt, and in immediate defense of that hurt and loss, RESENTMENT arises.

2) If you are like me, you rush toward that RESENTMENT, scoop it up, bring it  into your heart and caress, nurture, cultivate it like Gollum and the ring, chanting and moaning, “MY PRECIOUS,” harboring it close, and making it grow so as to protect yourself from further hurt or pain.  For you see…..we believe (falsely) that the resentment will protect us from the pain of separation and hurt, keep us safe from further hurt and that it will keep us strong, defensive, courageous.

3) At some point, we begin to realize that all the resentment is actually doing is keeping us from healthy intimacy and from knowing love…and from realizing the VERY PAINFUL human truth that in relationship….we will be hurt…..and we will hurt others.  It might just be the nature of the beast.

4) If we want to find healing of the pain of hurt and be open to knowing love and to cultivating healthy intimacy, then at some point, we need to accept the invitation to forgiveness.

Forgiveness is a Figure Eight

Once we decide that forgiveness might be the journey on which we want to embark, we are invited to further understand that forgiveness is everything BUT a linear path with a clear destination.  Instead, we are invited to recognize that forgiveness is more like a figure 8 or an infinity symbol, ever looping back and forth over itself in an on-going journey with ever deepening and widening layers.  And it might look something like this:

1) Examine the initial hurt (or hurts), acknowledge the resentment that arose, THEN….look deeper into the hurt, the loss the pain that is hiding behind the resentment.  THEN….GRIEVE IT!  Feel the hurt, feel the loss, feel the separation, then cry, weep, wail and moan.  Let it go.

2) Pray (remember, you are NOT alone in this process)

3)  Now look deeper still….what is YOUR role in the perceived hurt?  What was the deeper emotional wound or spiritual fear that was triggered through the experience – the fear of rejection, the fear that you are not good enough, etc. and where did those wounds come from?  What have you done to heal, release, etc the origin of those wounds (often coming from our childhood.)?

4) Pray some more

5)  Seek out resources to allow for the healing of those deeper wounds and the recent circumstances that triggered them (spiritual direction, counseling, self-help groups, recovery programs, etc.).

6) Pray again

7) Enter into a state of empathetic awareness.  Look at the person who you perceive to have hurt you and look at their deeper wounds.  What might have been the fear, false perception, childhood wound that caused their “hurtful” behavior toward you?  Can you hold them in compassion for their fears?  Can you allow empathetic awareness and compassion to open a space for forgiveness.

8) Pray some more

9) EXAMINE your SHAME.  When we are the recipient or the cause of separation in our intimate human relationships, SHAME naturally arises.  (some might use “guilt” to describe this state)  In this way, shame acts as a red flag alerting us to the fact that something has wounded our drive to pursue and cultivate healthy intimacy with other human beings (this is part of our survival drive).

10) Pray again

11) Open yourself to self-forgiveness, allowing yourself to be healed of the shame that arose out of this separation and brokenness in your relationship.

12) Pray some more

13) Allow for the possibility of forgiveness- of the person you perceive to have hurt you AND of yourself.

14) NOW…START THE WHOLE PROCESS OVER AGAIN….and AGAIN….and AGAIN  and PRAY SOME MORE!

There is a reason that Jesus said, “Forgive 70 times 7 times!”  I don’t think he was issuing a command, but making an observation of the long and arduous road to forgiveness.  And then, we are invited to remember that the moment of TRUE forgiveness is NOT  ours to accomplish, but comes mysteriously, unbidden and as a result of God’s grace and out of God’s infinite (ahem!) love.  Forgiveness is a Figure Eight!

Where are you being invited to enter into the process of forgiveness?

What are some of your deeper fears, unhealed wounds, that may be vulnerable to hurt in the context of relationship?

How can you allow the Divine to assist you in this process of forgiveness?

Lauri Lumby

Authentic Freedom Ministries

http://yourspiritualtruth.com

Inviting a New Lent

Mar9

On this Ash Wednesday, I explore the Christian tradition of Lent and invite a transformed perception and experience of the coming 40 days in preparation for the celebration of Easter.

 

When I was a Perfectionist

Today, millions (perhaps billions) of Catholics around the world will attend the Ash Wednesday observance, receive the cross of ashes on their forehead and be told: “Remember, man, that thou art dust and unto dust thou shalt return.”   When I was still recovering from my innate and learned perfectionism and enmeshed in my pain story of rejection, the annual Lenten observance was my favorite time of year.  With its focus on the depraved human condition, our birth into “original sin” and how we have been rejected by God and must spend eternity trying to earn back God’s approval, Lent provided the perfect opportunity for me to indulge my inner victim through 40 days of self-flagellation, “woe is me….I am a sinner.”  Lent was the time that my inner perfectionist truly shined. 

Lent from the Other Side

In the past 25 or so years of spiritual exploration,  inner growth and healing, I have come to embrace some truths that invite me to explore Lent from another perspective.  First and foremost, I have come to embrace the truth that Jesus taught: that we are One with God in love….always have been, always will be and there is nothing that can separate us from the love of God.    If this is true…then where does original sin fit in and this idea that we have been rejected, abandoned by God?   I know we perceive ourselves as separate from God, and there is a longing in our soul to return to God.   But, as Jesus explained, we are not separate, it just seems that we are.  If this Oneness in love that Jesus spoke of is true, then what is the point of our Lenten observance?

A New Lent

Perhaps Lent is about the things we can do to REMEMBER this Oneness that Jesus spoke of.  When we are healed of this perception of separation,  we know  compassion, contentment and joy  and  live in harmony with each other, working for mercy and justice.  Who wouldn’t want that????  Here is how we might be invited to observe Lent from a new perspective:

  • Embrace a Spiritual Practice - prayer, meditation, contemplation, mindfulness, creative endeavors, active contemplation, journaling, singing, dancing, etc.
  • Partake in Ritual Observance – from a new perspective…..the perspective of embracing Oneness instead of celebrating your “sin”. 
  • Acknowledge the places you are in need of healing – Where do you experience yourself as separate from God? What are the fears, false perceptions and ego attachments you have embraced due to the perception of separation? What is your pain story and how is God inviting that to be healed? What are the behaviors that have arisen out of your fears and how can you offer those to God for healing and release?
  • Embrace the truth of Unconditional Love  -God is love and you are made of love.  You are loved without condition and all God wants is for your to remember this love.  God holds us in pure acceptance as we move through the trials and tribulations of the human condition and rejoices in our learning, our growth and our healing.  Judgment, condemnation, guilt are ours alone….God simply loves.
  • Ask for healing and forgiveness - While the need for forgiveness is ours alone, it is a true human need to say we are sorry when we hurt others or hurt ourselves.  We can say sorry to God and sorry to those we have hurt in our woundedness.  God is happy to listen and hold space for our repentant hearts and we can rest in the knowledge that God’s love is TRULY UNCONDITIONAL.  (Re-read the story of the Prodigal Son if you need a reminder of how God celebrates our healing and our remembering of Oneness).   Forgiveness comes when we let go of the guilt we inflict upon ourselves and the resentment we hold towards others.

 From Ash Wednesday to Love Wednesday

One final thought as we step into this Ash Wednesday……I present here a new formula for our Ash Wednesday observance:

“Remember, thou art love, unto love you remain and into love you shall return.”

 

Lauri Lumby

Authentic Freedom Ministries

http://yourspiritualtruth.com

Forgiveness is God’s Work

Oct5

Today I explore the topic of forgiveness and ask the question….whose job is it really?



Each day that I come to my yoga mat at Inner Sun Yoga Studio in Oshkosh, we are invited to silently state an intention for our yoga practice.  Perhaps our intention is something for ourselves, a prayer of sorts, or maybe it is an intention for somebody else, or for the world at large.  I love this part of the practice because it reminds me that yoga (for me anyway) is prayer through movement and in participating in this movement, good things are being made manifest in my own life and in the lives of others.  I am grateful for Deb and the other teachers at Inner Sun for inviting us into this practice.


One day last week when Deb invited us to silently state our intention for our yoga practice, I closed my eyes and holding my hands in prayer position, began to explore the inner recesses of my mind for the intention of the day.  I was surprised by what showed up because I can most certainly say that this was not an intention of my own making.  As I was flipping through the cerebral file cabinet, there suddenly appeared, floating through conscious space the word FORGIVE! “Forgive” had quietly pushed its way past the files of other potential intentions and now stood up loud and proud, front and center, not willing to be ignored.  “Really?”  I asked.  “Yep!  FORGIVE,” is what she said.


Now, as a card-carrying Irish Catholic, forgiveness has never been an easy task.  Like my ancestors before me, I have made the cultivation of resentment and the harboring of ill-will an artform.  In developing this artform, I can now  completely understand why a dear Irish woman of my acquaintance (who is now deceased and who by the way is a second-generation immigrant), contributed funds, until the day of her death to the IRA.  For her entire life, she harbored ill-will against the British with whom she has never even had direct contact, but who have “done harm” (in her words) to her family of origin.   I can honestly say that I have never felt compelled to fund military interests due to my harbored resentments, but I know the power of those feelings and how they may drive you to do strange and irrational things.

So, when the invitation arrived to accept forgiveness as my intention for my yoga practice, I heard my ego scream at the top of her lungs, “NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO.”  To make matters worse, along with the invitation to FORGIVE, came the image of the person to whom I was to direct this forgiveness.  With this awareness, my ego screamed even louder.  The good news is that no matter how much my ego thinks she is in charge…..SHE IS NOT!  Following close upon the heels of my ego came the still small voice of the true self.  Peeking around the giant of my ego, the small and vulnerable true self whispered in humility, “I can’t forgive this person.  They have hurt me too much.  I do not have it in me to accept this task.”   Then she offered a prayerful plea to the Divine, “God, I know that I do not have the power within me to forgive this person.  As such, I give it back to you.”  I then saw the small, wounded part of myself gather the intention for forgiveness into her hands and give it to God.  It was only in surrendering this invitation to FORGIVE into the hands of the Divine that I was able to agree to this intention and hold it in my mind and my heart during my yoga practice, knowing that God could accomplish what I alone could not.

This experience provided me with a powerful lesson.  There are intentions in our lives that we are invited to accept so that we can grow spiritually and sometimes these intentions are beyond our capability.  Forgiveness is often one of those intentions that are simply too difficult to accomplish on our own.  It is here that the awareness of a loving, caring and nurturing Divine Source becomes helpful.  When we surrender our journey into the hands of the Divine……ALL THINGS ARE POSSIBLE.  So today, I offer the intention of Forgiveness and surrender all those past hurts, betrayals, disappointments, etc. into the hands of God and trust that God will work forgiveness on my behalf.


  • What are you being invited to Forgive?
  • What invitations to forgiveness are beyond your personal capabilities?
  • What intentions are you being invited to surrender to the Divine for assistance and accomplishment?

Lauri Lumby

Authentic Freedom Ministries/YourSpiritualTruth

http://yourspiritualtruth.com