Second Most Common Reason Relationships Fail

Last week I wrote about the number one reason relationships fail.  (Read that post HERE). Today, I am writing about the second more common reason for relationship failure:

Unmanaged Anxiety

Anxiety is Normal!

First of all….anxiety is normal and we all have it!  Anxiety can be mild as in the case of “butterflies” before an important event or severe as in the case of a full-blown panic attack.  Anxiety can manifest in a simple case of nerves or escalate into emotional collapse or mental paralysis.  Anxiety has many faces and degrees of severity and it arises out of a multitude of situations.  Sometimes anxiety is situational and at other times, it arises out of unhealed emotional wounds or physical trauma, as is the case with PTSD.  Anxiety also acts as an alert system notifying us that there is something within us that wants to be known – our truth (ie. Kundalini Awakening, Ascension symptoms) our desire for a life of meaning, the longing for fulfilling work, needs that are not being met, etc.  Anxiety is normal.  We all have it, and anxiety, in and of itself, is not bad.  Instead, anxiety is there to help us understand something deeper that wants to be known.


The Problem

The problem is that in our culture, we are not taught how to identify anxiety or what to do with it (except numb it through medication, alcohol, drugs, sex, shopping, etc.). Not knowing how to identify anxiety or what to do about it would not be so much of a problem if we only have ourselves to deal with.  As human beings, however, we live in community. If we are not identifying and managing our anxiety properly, it tends to come out sideways, doing damage to ourselves and the people around us (Where do you think wars come from???).

The Blame Game

The most common way that unmanaged anxiety “comes out sideways” is in what I call The Blame Game. When we have unidentified and unmanaged anxiety, the go-to place of this anxiety is most often projection.  We feel unease, but we haven’t taken the time (or don’t have the skills) to identify what we are feeling and why.  So, instead of taking responsibility for our own inner terrain, we are certain that the people around us are responsible for our unease (our husband, kids, roommate, parents, co-workers, etc.).  We blame them for our feelings, then we either lash out in anger or turn the unease inward and harbor resentment toward “the other” for making us feel this way.

Healing our Relationships

One step we can take toward healing our interpersonal relationships is to learn how to identify and manage our own anxiety.  When we take care of our inner terrain, we no longer have the need to make “the other” the enemy. Taking care of our anxiety facilitates honesty in relationships which thereby cultivates intimacy. Managing our anxiety also gives us the tools through which we can cultivate healthy communication with others who have also learned to manage their anxiety – making overall better relationships….period!


Need support in identifying and managing your anxiety? Call Lauri Ann Lumby (920) 230-1313 or email to schedule an appointment.

Or check out our upcoming e-course, Happily Ever After – from Co-dependency to the Fulfillment of Love which explores all the reasons relationships fail and provides tools through which healthier intimacy can be attained.



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Resurrecting the Magdalene – online course

Resurrecting the Magdalene is a six-week, online course facilitated by Lauri Ann Lumby, OM, MATP, author, spiritual director and ordained interfaith minister. The purpose of this course is to reveal and share in the deeper and hidden truths about the Magdalene and her time with Jesus; including her roles as student, initiate, co-equal partner, wife, facilitator and witness to the resurrection, and the one sent to continue Jesus’ mission of being love in the world.


The course consists of lectures, assignments and discussions that you complete on your own time, with one scheduled ZOOM video conference which includes the Magdalene Activation through which you will be empowered to continue the work of the Magdalene/Christ in the world.

Resurrecting the Magdalene

Facilitate by Lauri Ann Lumby

June 5, 2015 – July 22, 2015



Course Outline:

Video lectures will be posted ( YouTube) and assignments emailed on Fridays.  Completed assignments should be posted to the private Facebook group page by Monday evenings so there is time for discussion and sharing.  Lessons will include:

Lesson One: Who She is Not/Awakened Transformation

NOT the sinful woman

Was healed of Seven Demons

Completed a path of initiation facilitated by Jesus

Lesson Two: Adoration

Martha and Mary – Mary chose the better part

The spiritual practice of devotion/links to Bhakti yoga

Lesson Three: Priestess

Anointed Jesus in preparation for his death

The actions of a priest or wife?

Lesson Four: Devoted Witness/ Wife?

Remained at Jesus’ side through his crucifixion and death

Accompanied and prepared his body for burial

Lesson Five: Apostle to the Apostles          

First witness to the resurrection (made ready by the completion of her initiation)

Facilitator of the resurrection?

Commissioned by Jesus to tell the other disciples

The first to believe

Lesson Six: Holy Grail – carrying the authentic message of Jesus – Oneness and love. Non-dual, contemplative Christianity.

Introduction to the Gospel of Mary


ZOOM Video Conference – Wednesday, July 22, 2015 (The Feast of Mary Magdalene), 7:30 pm CDT

Integration and discussion

Magdalene activation

To register click HERE: 


 If you have questions or need additional information, please call Lauri Ann Lumby (920) 230-1313 or email

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Mary Magdalene Anoints Jesus for Marriage?

The following post was submitted by Linda Johnson, one of the students of my course “Resurrecting the Magdalene.”  (Learn more about the upcoming online course, Resurrecting the Magdalene HERE.)  Linda was impassioned by the stories of Mary Magdalene and her anointing of Jesus and sought to learn more.  What Linda discovered is nothing short of earth-shattering…at least to those brought up with the idea of Jesus as a celibate male.  Could it be that Mary’s anointing of Jesus was in preparation for the consummation of their marriage? 


I have been attending a wonderful group facilitated by Lauri Ann Lumby, exploring the richness of the relationship between Jesus and Mary Magdalene. Not the false view of her as prostitute but her as disciple, follower, lover and partner with Jesus in a profound and deeply meaningful way, a template for Sacred Union.

Last week we were  utilizing the texts Mark and John, the chapters in which Mary uses the  jar of nard to anoint Jesus, in one telling, his head, in one his feet. I am fascinated by words and their symbols especially when reading scripture, as rarely is the meaning only in the words. There is great depth of understanding by knowing the history, circumstance, culture of the era and creating a larger tapestry with even more threads.

(Learn more about the upcoming online course Resurrecting the Magdalene HERE.)

When I read the text it seems obvious to me that the other disciples were present, Mary was likely the only woman there.  In both texts she is the only one who seems to understand what is about to happen; she “feels” Jesus’ impending death. The other disciples seem clueless. She knows Jesus deeply and intimately. Pouring oil that is used for preparing the body for burial while someone is very much alive is unheard of. She understands Jesus in a way that no one else does. She has been “listening “to his message with her whole heart. I love how Jesus protected her by telling the others to leave her alone.

As I further studied nard, I learned the only other time it is spoken of is in Song of Solomon.  The bride-to-be uses this in preparation for consummation of intimacy for betrothal as a sign to her Beloved that she is ready for union.  She opens up her heart, spirit, soul and body for Divine Union with her Beloved. She is the one that indicates she is ready to receive.


The fact that the nard was in an alabaster jar is significant as well. Alabaster was a precious type of translucent marble; it was sealed with a wax until it was used for the specific tasks as mentioned. It occurred to me that Mary would have had to  break  it open or unseal the wax and this gesture was symbolic of coming together with her Beloved in both  sacred union and burial, so great was her devotion and love as if the seal was the supernatural mystical hymen . Mary greatly adored her Beloved and clearly there was profound understanding between them.  This was a costly gift on many fronts as she gave her full heart, soul, body, spirit in love not to mention a year’s worth of wages!

Mary Magdalene was at Jesus’ side when he was on the cross, the first to go to the tomb, the first to joyously share He was alive. This great love and what is implied gives me such hope and possibility. I feel there is a great truth in the text that can’t be ignored, a true model of Divine Partnership, that unfortunately we only have small glimpses of but nonetheless if we extract the meaning behind the words, the implication of mutual love and a special bond is palpable.  We are hungry for this way, not the power oriented, patriarchal and patronizing view of masculine and feminine but that of cooperation, co- creating and completion of loving symbiosis.

It is time to use this model and allow the fragrance of this beautiful love to be poured out on us all.

Learn more about our upcoming online course Resurrecting the Magdalene HERE.


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The Number One Reason Relationships Fail

In the twenty-plus years I have been counseling individuals and couples, I have identified the number one reason relationships fail:

Looking for the other person to complete us.



In the recovery world, co-dependency is limited to addictive/compulsive patterns of enabling.  Here, co-dependency is expanded to include any behaviors, attitudes and relationship dynamics which are rooted in the search for another person to complete us.  Co-dependency arises out of a deep inner longing that says, “I am not enough,” making us feel incomplete, fractured and fragmented.  In an effort to quell this longing, we look for “the other” who will complete us.  We find someone who we believe might complete us, and for a time (as long as we are in the infatuation stage of the relationship), they might.  Eventually, however, the longing returns (because we never healed the true source of the longing), the fantasies we have created about our partner fall and we begin to see them for who they really are – fractured and imperfect just like we are.  Resentment sets in and trouble begins.

If you recognize patterns of co-dependency in your relationship patterns, you are not alone.  99% of relationships have their origins in the search for completion.  For help in this area, check out our upcoming course, “Happily Ever After – from Co-Dependency to the Fulfillment of Love.”  Learn More HERE.

Search for the Other vs. Search for Ourselves

When we are searching outside of ourselves for someone to complete us, it is because we do not know ourselves.  The longing that drives this search for “the other” in reality, has nothing to do with “the other.” Instead, this longing is really the longing to know ourselves.  Until we know otherwise, or until the bottom falls out (whichever comes first), the longing to know ourselves disguises itself in the longing for another to complete us.  We are never fulfilled in our relationships, however, until we turn this longing for “the other” inward and start doing the work of coming to know ourselves.  In coming to know ourselves, we discover our own unique gifts, our passions, what gives us joy and makes us feel complete – WITHIN OURSELVES.  When we know ourselves, we no longer look for someone to complete us, instead, we wait for another complete person with whom we can enjoy the journey of life in a mutually supportive, interdependent relationship where both are honored as sacred and holy and where the two work together to support the needs of each other in service to the betterment of the world.

Sign up today for the “Happily Ever After” course and find support for your own journey of coming to know yourself. 


Or call Lauri Lumby (920) 230-1313 to schedule a one-on-one private consultation.


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Unrequited Love – Help is on the Way!

In my upcoming e-course, Happily Ever After – from co-dependency to the fulfillment of love, one of the demons we tackle is patterns of unrequited love, including all those potential partners who show up that end up being bad for us.  In the lesson “Kissing Frogs” we learn to identify all those who are not, ultimately, good for us and the lessons we can learn through them so that we can eventually find the partner who is just right for us. In this lesson, you will have an opportunity to identify your own frogs and to see how they are actually teachers – revealing the parts of ourselves that need to be healed or reclaimed.  Poetry, from my own journey of identifying frogs, will be used as a source of inspiration for you to recognize your own frogs.  Here is just one example:


California Boy

What was it about you that made me love you so?

Not the tall, dark and handsome of my 80’s icons.

Pretty average, in fact.

But, in my in my eyes, you were cute as hell.

With a flash of your smile and a gleam in your eyes,

I was home.

Sharp as a whip.



Engaging and smart.

Peaceful, calm and cool.

Whether tossing back pints at the Field House,

Sipping coffee at Reeve,

Getting high on the roof,

Or making out in the backseat of Bino’s car.

Every moment felt effortless.

What made you unavailable to me?

The girlfriend back home?

Some unspoken rule of third dorm?

Was there something wrong with me?

All I know now is that the eighteen year old girl in me never stopped loving you,

For under your gaze I knew I was being seen

And my words were being heard.

To learn more about the upcoming e-course, Happily Ever After, click HERE.

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e-course: Happily Ever After

Happily Ever After – from co-dependency to the fulfillment of love

E-Course – completely online

From the course introduction: 

If you asked me to describe in one phrase what this course is about, I would say, “Jerry Maguire lies.”  This movie has provided the single most damaging phrase to our hope for intimate partnership – “You complete me.”  When we are looking outside of ourselves for someone else to complete us, we are indulging the compulsion of co-dependency. Co-dependency arises out of the false perception that love, satisfaction and fulfillment exist outside of us which then causes us to seek in another that which we falsely believe we do not possess within ourselves.  Co-dependency tells us that love has to be earned or can be taken away which then results in behaviors that cause us either to be manipulative in our search for love or vulnerable to the manipulations of another. I would argue that co-dependency, along with unmanaged anxiety, are the two most common destroyers of intimate human relationships.

Happily Ever After seeks to transform our attitudes and behaviors related to intimate partnership and does so by transforming us from the inside out.  Integrating intellectual knowledge rooted in modern psychology with mindfulness-based practices and creative expression, Happily Ever After seeks to support us in achieving wholeness.  When we feel whole and complete within ourselves, we no longer look outside of ourselves for completion and if/when we find ourselves in partnership, our relationships are mutually satisfying, supportive and interdependent.


To register for the course, click on the Paypal link below.  After payment is received, you will receive an invitation to join the private Facebook discussion group and lessons will begin arriving in your email on Sunday, May 24th!  We are excited for you to join us.  Welcome to the journey!



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Transformational Education and Empowerment

Authentic Freedom Academy provides transformational education and empowerment for all ages – supporting the self-actualization of women, men and children, primarily based on the Authentic Freedom protocol developed by founder and director, Lauri Ann Lumby, OM, MATS.

Through our founder, Lauri Ann Lumby, trained teachers and mentors, you can enjoy the benefits of being supported in discovering the uniquely creative way in which you have been gifted to find meaning and purpose in life and empowered to transcend the doubts and fears that keep you from enjoying these gifts, ultimately using these gifts in service to the betterment of the world.

Course Offerings:

Authentic Freedom Academy offers a wide variety of courses through a variety of formats to fit your busy lifestyle.  On-going and upcoming courses include:

Superhero Community

Resurrecting the Magdalene

Happily Ever After – from co-dependency to the fulfillment of love.

Click on the title of the courses above to learn more.

Authentic Freedom Academy also provides training for those interested in joining our team as trained facilitators, teachers and mentors.


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